4 more sleeps

It's getting closer to my treatment starting. I'm finding in the quiet moments of the day, especially, my mind is left to think on what's coming and the anxiety increases. I know I shouldn't dwell on it, but I do also think it's ok to have those moments...its just a real effort trying to keep them under control and at bay.

And it is such an effort. Never before have I had such a continuous stream of anxiety about anything. It doesn't let up. It's always there in the background, despite how much I focus on busying myself trying to forget.

I find my days at work are probably the worst. I spend so much energy trying to focus on concentrating on my work tasks and so much effort trying to just keep it together emotionally that when I get home the wheels fall off. I end up having a big melt-down. It is usually fairly short-lived but it's intense and draining and there are lots of tears. Today was especially hard as I start the treatment next week and there was an extra sense of anxiousness and anticipation. Almost like when you finish up work before going on a holiday, just not as fun and exciting! Plus, I had a number of moments scattered throughout the day where someone had gone to the trouble to do something kind for me or my family. A thoughtful card. A Good Luck balloon. A care package. A kind word. A hug. Experiencing people's generosity and kindness is also a sure-fire way to have me come undone!!

I think the other thing about my treatment is that I've been told that the effects are accumulative. Meaning that for the first week or two I probably won't be experiencing anything much. I think Monday, especially as the first day, will be fairly anti-climactic. The emotional build up towards starting the treatment coupled with the lack of feeling anything during the treatment I think will result in feeling a bit 'lost' afterwards.

I liken it to the build up before Christmas. Inevitably there is a lull after the flurry of activity. You know, all the stores have Christmas stuff in stock for months beforehand. There's gift buying, meal planning, and decorating to be done. The Christmas Pageant is this weekend. Christmas day will come, we will share with each other around beautifully adorned trees and eat way too much from heavy laden tables. After weeks, maybe even months, of planning the day will come and go before we know it. We turn to each other from amidst the scraps of torn wrapping paper and left over turkey and wonder what to do with ourselves!

Monday is going to be just like that I think...just not as fun.